Raw Feelings

I write my feelings...I hope you don't mind.

Just finished a call with a Rapamune Assistant Program agent...

depressing.

We were denied assistance.

Why because we aren't "poor enough."

I just can't get those words out of my head.

"...not poor enough."

This medication is going to cost $600+ a month on top of his $120 a month med.

In tears, but he won't know it.

This is not how I wanted to start my week off.  Last week was rough enough.

After leaving Alex's many appointments we came away with...

No surgery (yet), using a drug to reduce the size of his tumor & "oh by the way that thing on the back of his head, we are concerned about that and don't know what it is....we need to do a biopsy."

*BIG sigh*

I watch the people coming into the oncology office awaiting their turn for chemo and I say,  my God, how do they do it?  How does a mother stay home, care for her many kids ( I only have two) and afford the many rounds of chemo for one?

My heart aches.  I watch my dear sweet husband work so hard.  I see in my sweet boy, so much hope and the agony of my little man, just needing the attention and here I am so wrapped up in all of this bureaucracy with pharmaceuticals and insurance. 

I am tired and realizing I may have to go back to work.

What more can I do, dear Lord?  I place this at your feet.  I plead to you for your mercy and yet I am willing to accept thy will.  Please help me have the faith.

I need to have the faith.

Handsome and SMART too!!!

nearly 15 years of marriage and almost that same amount of time getting this degree.

I could not be more proud of David.

He has taught me to never give up.  He worked hard for this degree.

Now the boys, see, they have NO EXCUSE, for not getting their college education.

Now Mama is on that road....

Congratulations, Baby!!!

I am so proud of you and I love you more than that.

Venting and then a little peace.

Bullcrap people step aside!!

I have had it with you and your games. 

My life does not revolve around your drama. 

My family's life does not revolve around your drama. 

We are not interested.

You are not the focus of our daily life. 

Keep us out of it!!

Move on!!  Because once I am done with this post....We ARE!!!

Ahhhhh!!  That feels great.  It needed to be said.  

MOVING ON.....

The past couple of weeks have been...well, awesome.  I am so blessed to have my little nuclear family.  They are great.  Alex is responding to the medication for the seizures, but Wednesday we will meet with the oncologist about the tumor and then another appointment later that day with the Neurologist. 

We are all tired of seeing doctors.

The boys are learning about helping others.  It was so great to see Aiden be so giving.  We have been talking about how we can help those in Haiti.

Aiden raided his little piggy bank and gave me some of his coins and said,

"Mama, them kids need money to eat." 

They both gave and we donated all of our gifts to the Humanitarian Aid. I know we are/have been blessed beyond measure.  So many friends have been to generous to us and we are so appreciative of your generosity.  We know we must share what we can.

We have prayed so much, to be able to get through life's challenges.  We feel peace in our prayers.  We pray for the people of Haiti and all over the world.  We pray for Alex and the will of Heavenly Father.  We are always praying.  I am so grateful we can.

Hoping that I will get something out of all this is hurting my brain.

I am taking 10 hours at the U.  I feel like a fish so out of water it's not funny.

Last night I have my first Spanish class and I felt like I was in South America somewhere lost.

NOT A FEELING I RECOMMEND.

But I guess when you are outside of your safe box....things are different.

I almost feel like I have to be in survival mode on this as well as all of my classes.

There is so much that is going to be required of me and I am not sure if I am up for it  I think I may have bit off more than I can chew.

Wall Print GIVEAWAY offer at THE RUBIED APPLE....here are the details.

I am very excited to offer this giveaway.

"Shores"

A stunning 12x18 photographic print taken by Nakia Armstrong.

Want to see the rules and enter?

Click this Link:

The Rubied Apple

Still tied

It is never easy....

We met with the surgeon.

Alex's tumor is twice and large as it was at the last MRI. 

It is currently blocking some of the draining of the spinal fluid in one of his ventricals. 

NOT GOOD... but since some of the fluid can still get by on the side doc says, "that's okay."

WHAT!?!?!

I'm no brain surgeon, but a tumor that is in the brain, blocking anything I would want out. PERIOD.

He's not a cut happy surgeon, so I guess that is a point for him.  I would be more concerned if he just threw Alex down on the table and started right there.....

not likely to happen ever.

He did however suggest another method of treatment, but it will not really fix the situation.

He set us up with an Oncologist.  They have more info on a med that reduces the size of the tumor, but once you stop taking the med the tumor grows back. 

Yes, it is less invasive. No we don't know what side effects are or the rate in which the tumor will return.

When it comes to the surgery....

The surgeon can remove most of the tumor.  Some of it is connect to his short term memory centers, so he may lose some memory.  The tumor WILL grow back.  Don't know the rate.  He will have scar. 

Either option does not effect the seizures.

Those are can only be managed by medication.

Once we meet with the Oncologist and if he recommends surgery rather than medication and if we still are opting for surgery the surgeon with move forward with giving us a date.

So we are right we we started.

I was going to wait to go back to school, but Dave said NO!!!  You go now!  We dealt with what Alex has all the while he, David, was finishing out his degree.....now it my turn and he will support me every step of the way.

I love him.

So I have decided on my major and minor and will be starting next Monday.

When I graduate I will have my

BA in Psychology with a minor in Spanish.

So I am stepping forward.

Nervous

It's tomorrow when we sit down the the surgeon and hopefully get many answers to many questions.

I have been just keeping myself busy with "birthing" more aprons and jewelry to sell on the fundraiser site.

Click

The Rubied Apple

to see them  and the rest of the items.

Alex is ready.  Dave and I are as well.  We are ready for this to move forward as we feel like we are in a holding pattern.

I feel like these tumors are holding us hostage. 

We can't sell our house, because we don't know what the tumors are going to do.

I can't really commit to the U, because we don't know what the tumors are going to do.

It is not fair....but it is the cuffs that we have to wear at the moment.

I am putting it all in the lap of God.

i ♥ that boy.