I can't weight

Dang it's been a long time since my last post.

And there has been a lot going on in my little life. 

I am halfway through with finals and trying to decided whether to I should keep going.  And the answer that keeps popping in my head is

YES!!

What would that look like to my kids, if just gave up....

I know.

If I look in the mirror that is what giving up looks like.  I have given up for the past 10+ years of my life. And have found that I nothing more to give up so.....

I'm taking somethings BACK!!!

What the hell was I thinking!?!  I have so much to get back, so that I can do the one thing I remember loving.

Service.

So how do I get back on the wagon?  No, I don't have an alcoholic addition, but I love good food and when it's good, I love it a whole lot.  So I have joined myfitnesspal.com. (nakiasyree, if you looking for me). 

I LOVE IT.

I have a place where I am accountable for.  People are encouraging and everyone is there to help each other succeed.  And  IT'S FREE.

Just proves some good (GREAT) things are free.

Now, I have long way to go and I am going to do it slowly.  I have nearly 100lbs of fat that I want and need to replace with healthy muscle, while making a lifestyle change. 

I can see that this is the best way for me.  And knowing that I have my friends (new and old) backing me up).  I think time will fly by and weight will fly off.

To help me be more accountable I will be posting my stats.  It's painful to do....letting the entire world know something so so so personal, but I am going to channel, Dr. Phil.

"You can't change what you don't acknowledge."

I did this and now I have to do something else.

This scares the HELL out of me.
I have been hiding from something or someone.
I was watching the movie Akeelah and the bee and this was the exchanged that ripped to my core.

Akeelah: [quoting Marianne Williamson] Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?

Akeelah: I don't know.

Dr. Larabee: It's written in plain English. What does it mean?

Akeelah: That I'm not supposed to be afraid?

Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?

Akeelah: Afraid of... me?

I have come to the understanding that I am afraid of me and what I can become, other than just a mom, and a wife. So I have hidden myself under layers and layers of unhealthy choices and guilt of being or at least feeling empty.

I see all of these brave women all around me and they are strong and I don't see that in me...or am I afraid of the power of my strength....

I need to lose so much in order for me to gain more than I have.

My current stats are:

Weight: 242.5 lbs.

Height: 5'3"

Hips: 51"

Waist: 43.5"

Thighs: 30"

Arms: 17"

Chest: 47"

So keep watching and see what I do, and don't be shy, give me encouragement, if you are so inclined.

The Sweetest Boy

He's growing so quickly and becoming a little man.

Springtime...it's like waking from a deep sleep.

This morning I was stunned by the beauty of the day.

I awoke to a bright sun and a mild morning and the joy of a beautiful Cherry Blossom Tree in our front yard.

I was happy to be alive and I was even more happy

to know that I could see the beautiful blossoms of this gorgeous tree.

I even felt joy seeing the many bees that gave the tree a buzzy alive sound.

I LOVE SPRING!

Still Looking...

...but picking up a little joy

here & there.

In our downstairs bathroom we have a saying my mother-in-law made for us one Christmas

I see it everyday and for some reason today it hit me.

I have been searching for "things" "people" and "relationship"

to give me joy.

But all the while my

BLESSINGS

have been right there/here.

No one will ever truly understand how much my husband loves me, but me or the depth of my devotion to him.  He is my BLESSING.

Alex is a GREAT kid, but no one will ever know his heart like I do.  He is also my BLESSING.

My baby, Aiden, challenges me to be better for him and me.  I wish I had just a little of his determination.  He is such a BLESSING to me.

I have been given some talents I never knew I was in possession of.  It may sound small to you but, I can sew.  I can cook a great meal.  These are things I didn't do in my youth.  They became present in my married life.  They are talents that are great BLESSINGS for me.

The Rubied Apple.  I had to think about why I have set up a store.  At first it was for Alex, 100%

I had no idea why I came up with the name "The Rubied Apple." 

 After all "Rubied" is not even a word.

But I thought it through.

Alex's health as well as everybody's health is so precious.  And I for one have taken that for granted. 

The Rubied Apple has put my lazy behavior in my face.

I am a RUBY.  I am PRECIOUS.

I need to be of good FRUIT.  I need to be embrace the symbol of health the APPLE.

It is a BLESSING to help me make better Rubied Apple choices for me and my family.

My testimony has buoyed me for many years.  It has carried me.

and for whatever reason(s)

I cannot will not deny it

nor will it allow me.

I am still looking for.....

But in the meantime, I will receive my BLESSINGS and allow them to fill me with joy.